Picking Fights with Preschoolers

This is a post where it's possible that I might rant a teensy bit. So, prepare yourself. And, maybe hide the children.

This cautionary tale begins last Saturday, a day in which we ate pumpkin pancakes, shopped at Ace Hardware and Wal-Mart, and happened upon a pretty great cheap Mexican place for lunch. Later, we had friends over for shrimp and grits and some pretty amazing derby pie a la my friend Carli. Yes, I just mentioned what we ate that day three times in the last two sentences, which means your assessment is correct: we consumed an ungodly amount of calories last Saturday. But, that's not really important. Along with all this eating and errand-running and fun-having, there was also a semi-fateful visit to the community park.

Matt usually takes Sam to the park on Saturday mornings so that I can do things like paint my toenails, read People magazine and call my bff's (besties if you're under 19). What actually happens is that Matt takes Sam to the park and I clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, do the laundry and possibly take a shower. Sometimes, just sometimes, I paint my toenails. Also, this is not important to this story.

Anyhoo, Matt took Sam to the park and then I met them there so that we could all ride together on our way to make all those things I mentioned earlier happen. Sam was sufficiently hot and sweaty which meant he probably enjoyed his little visit to the land of stuff you can climb on/hang on/jump off of. But, Matt seemed a little perturbed.

It turns out that there were a couple of four or five-year old punks (I'll explain this choice of words in a moment) who decided to hang out on the side of the park where toddlers do their thing and Sam was instantly drawn to these two older boys on the wrong side of the playground. Apparently, he went right over to sit down beside them and I can only imagine what kind of conversation he tried to start. Probably something about the rock he just picked up or the fact that he'd just eaten a graham cracker.

Anyway, Matt went on to tell me that those two boys basically made fun of my little guy and called him a "stupid baby."

Here is where I want to use curse words and pick fights with anyone who looks at me the wrong way. When Matt told me this I literally felt my hands ball into fists and veins pop out of my neck. I now very clearly understand what the term "Mama Bear" means.

At church the next day I noticed Matt's eyes narrow and I glanced in the direction he was looking. Apparently, a kid a few rows up looked like the one who had been mean to Sam and for a second there, I kind of thought we might have a little situation on our hands. Obviously, nothing happened. But, you never know. I mean, Sam got called a "stupid baby," so our emotions were running a little high. (It wasn't this kid, by the way, so no fisticuffs ensued).

It's weird to want to (kind of) pick a fight with a four-year old, but something about the thought of someone, even a silly kid, making fun of my baby makes me want to punch a wall. It also makes me want to squeeze my baby as tight as humanly possible without accidentally suffocating him.

After taking all this in, I found myself fast-forwarding to the future, formulating a systematic strategy for how I would protect Sam from any and all bullies until the day he turns forty. I knew this would obviously not be possible, but for a second or two, I was pretty sure I could make it work.

What I do know is that it broke my heart more than a little to even imagine that anyone could treat my little guy with any kind of unkindness. And, it made me feel incredibly helpless to protect him.

I'm reminded of the a quote I read somewhere years ago that says: "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside of your body." (Elizabeth Stone).

I didn't know it would feel quite this way. And, I really didn't know if would make me want to beat up four-year olds. 


I think it's probably time to go talk to Jesus about justice and forgiveness and all that jazz.

Mamapalooza

This coming Sunday marks the third Mother's Day in which I am an official participant. It's a teensy bit surreal to be included in that group of women who have had little people growing inside their abdomen. If I really think about it, usually while doing the dishes or folding sized 2T shorts and t-shirts, it blows my mind a little. I'm a MOM. It's staggering, really, what that short sentence holds within those three little, unassuming words.

Lately, the advertising gurus have really been pulling out the big guns and it's kind of ruining my mascara, but I'm okay with that. Hallmark's Mother's Day offering this year is a simple commercial with all these normal-looking (a.k.a. not supermodels posing as moms) women asking their kids to "tell them" that they're doing enough, that they've taught them something, that they've heard them, etc. It gets me EVERY TIME. And this morning there was another mom-related commercial (by Proctor and Gamble) which highlighted moms from other cultures/countries sacrificing for their little future Olympians. At the end it shows them tearfully hugging their kids who've just won gold and made all their sacrifices worth it. Cue the waterworks. (Conveniently, Proctor and Gamble owns Puffs tissues, which makes me wonder if this commercial wasn't just a pretty genius way to get me to need their product.)

Their tagline at the end is:

"The HARDEST job in the world is the BEST job in the world."

And, basically, that sums up the whole of motherhood. It's hard, but good.

If you haven't seen this, prepare yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqODFzo-G2Q&feature=relmfu

TEARS. Don't be ashamed that you now need a Proctor and Gamble manufactured Puffs tissue to dry those eyes of yours. You've just witnessed some seriously moving stuff. And I bet you want to hug your mom right about now. And you're also probably wishing you'd been a bit more committed to those swim lessons.

I still can't quite wrap my distracted mind around the myriad of things it means to be a mother. I think if I could, I would be totally overwhelmed by the magnitude of this role I'm living and it's possible I wouldn't be able to bear the weight of it. But, luckily, I don't have the time to actually process what it means because I'm too busy doing laundry and making PB&J's and changing diapers and building miniature railroads.

What I do know is that each of my days is made up a million little things that don't have too much significance on their own, but altogether make up this immensely lovely reality of my being Sam's mom.

I'm more than a little lucky. 

The Accidental Shoplifter

Today has not been a banner day. It's included some unfortunate things, such as Sam's gagging on a mushy strawberry and losing his lunch (actually, his breakfast) all over the couch. Boo. The rest of the morning including cleaning up haz-mat style, which means I steam-cleaned the heck out of those couch pillows while Sam watched Curious George and ate pretzels.

Anyhoo, we went to the grocery store after lunch and I had a nagging feeling that it might include some weeping and gnashing of teeth. This proved to be the case AND, as a bonus, some intermittent yelling, some begging for crackers, some hitting, a little biting, and a lot of "NO!" It was not awesome.

Sidenote: I think the little guy is feeling poorly, which would account for some unusually bad behavior. So, let's all give him the benefit of the doubt and keep thinking of him as the cutest, sweetest, best-behaved little guy this side of the Mississippi.

So, we shopped. And we talked to the butcher dude. And we perused the cookies aisle. And I got talked into buying Oreos by a two-year old. And then we checked out, whilst Sam said "No!" to the unassuming person in line behind us. Sorry, random lady, for my rude progeny.

And then, a little something of interest happened. I got carded. (I was purchasing a 2012 vintage bottle of vino for roughly $6.79. I like the cheap stuff. Plus, I have a great recipe for crockpot beef au vin with mushrooms.) The cashier glanced at my birthdate and noticed I was born not one, not two, but three decades ago. And, then, she said (drumroll, please): "WOW. You look good for thirty-three!!"

And then I said, "Actually, I just turned thirty-four." Why did I feel compelled to add on that extra year? I don't know. Except that I'm scrupulously honest, as you will see in just a moment.

I couldn't help but feel a little flattered by that comment, but after thinking about it for a minute, I wondered what exactly one would expect a thirty-four year old to look like? Is thirty-four really that ancient? Well, all I know is that Avon's miracle night cream must be doing it's job. Thanks, Avon!

After peeling Sam away from the tree of suckers near the cash register, we made our way out the door with our cart full of Ingles' finest. Back at the car, I put the little guy in, put the groceries in, and then noticed that something was under the cart that I'd forgotten about. Hm. That 8-pack of paper towels that was on sale for $6.78. Uh oh. I forgot to mention those were under there. I glanced back at the storefront. I glanced back at the car with the two-year old and the melting groceries in it (it was a steamy 84 degrees in there). What to do?!? Moral dilemma!

I decided to go back in, toddler under one arm, 8-pack of paper towels under the other. Wait, no. That was a bad idea. Said toddler was about to lose his mind for a graham cracker and the pre-naptime crazies were beginning to set in. Plan B: I decided to pull the barcode off the bag of towels and take it in so that I could explain the situation and pay for it really quick, maybe even leaving the little guy in the car with the air on. But, wait. What if a stranger decided to hop in my already running car and make a run for it with my little guy AND all my groceries. Um, no. Plan C: Write a mental I.O.U. to Ingles and pay for those paper towels next time I'm there. Check.

We drive away. I feel guilty. I feel shady. I feel like the police car waiting at the red light in front of me can sense that the paper towels in my front seat are STOLEN. Luckily, he doesn't do anything about it and I make my way up the mountain eating graham crackers with Sam while The Civil Wars sing "Poison And Wine."

Well, we get home and I unload the boy, the groceries, the contraband and then take a moment to look over the grocery receipt. And, as it turns out, that conscientious cashier who thought I was an ageless freak of nature had scanned those towels! No more running from the law for me! Pshew. I felt better. But, then, I noticed something. I didn't get the discount on those towels and actually paid $10.54 for those things. I think this may be my punishment for semi-shoplifting. Darn you, Ingles.

scene of the "crime"

Well, the moral of the story is that I look younger than thirty-four, which warrants an Oreo or five. Here's to you, Ingles' cashier for your keen eye for under-the-cart items and your impressive ability to make haggard stay-at-home moms feel like a million bucks.

In Defense of Innocence

Today's top news story is about a mother being gunned down in a pediatrician's parking lot and her three day old newborn being stolen away by the murderer. I keep thinking about this awfulness and wondering what the heck is going on out there.

I checked the bestsellers' list the other day to see what book might be worth reading next and discovered that the number one fiction book out there right now is a racy (read: seriously sketch town) novel that women are apparently passing around like candy. It's a Harlequin novel for the modern woman who has pretty much been desensitized to the usual romance novel steaminess. It bothers me that this is the crap topping the bestsellers' list.

I like to know what's going on in the world, but it feels like the news is just one incredibly sad, horrific, amoral story after another and sometimes I find myself considering starting a comfy commune, sans television, phones, internet or Wal-Mart. It sounds increasingly appealing to shut myself off from this crazy, mad world we live in.

Obviously, I don't really have any immediate plans to actually make a run for it, but I am pondering how to keep an innocent heart in this world we live in. It feels pretty close to impossible these days. And how do I protect my child's heart from all the darkness that's running rampant?

I'm reading a book called The Wilder Life about a woman whose obsession with Laura Ingalls Wilder prompts her to follow in Laura's footsteps. She and her boyfriend go to all the places the Ingalls family lived, visit family gravesites, buy Laura memorabilia and read cookbooks about the pioneer food that Ma Ingalls made. This woman even orders a butter churn on eBay and churns her own butter out of whipping cream while watching Little House on the Prairie episodes. She makes her own bread yeast and bakes bread just like they made it on the wild prairie. It's a curious thing, this thirty-something woman trying very, very hard to enter into the world of a girl who lived over a hundred years ago.

I can't help feeling that this woman, having lived out her childhood in the early days of MTV and 80's sitcoms and having become an adult in a painfully modern world, wants to enter into what she calls "Laura World" so badly because of the appeal of the simple innocence that Laura represents.

I know this feeling. I want to live there, too.

What exactly does it mean to be innocent and can you be innocent without being naive or ignorant or out of touch? I think so.

I want this for Sam. I want him to have a childhood that is truly a childhood, where he can imagine and pretend and create without the weight of adult things bearing down on him.

It's a hard thing to know how to make this possible. I feel the encroaching presence of the television and the internet and advertisements on billboards and displays at the mall and magazine covers at the grocery store. All of these things threaten the innocence that I want to preserve in my little one's heart.

I want this for my own heart as well. I don't want a reclusive commune ( I was kidding about that. Sort of) or a naivete that leaves me ignorant of a hurting world, but I do want a heart that loves what is good and hates what is evil.

I realize this may require some things of me that might feel like tiny sacrifices of my personal freedom. Maybe it means I don't watch the Today Show in the morning anymore (I'm still hoping there isn't an image of Nicki Minaj's dominaitrix-inspired outfit in Sam's brain. Why would one wear that to be interviewed by Matt Lauer? Seriously, Nicki?). Maybe it means I use my time when Sam's at nursery school to shop at the grocery store instead of reading the book I want to read so that he doesn't end up viewing Cosmopolitan's cover this month "How to Dress Like a Call Girl" in the checkout line.

And, someday, when he's graduated from Thomas the Train, I plan on reading him stories about Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, and the Wind in the Willows and The House at Pooh Corner. And, maybe, if he's up for it, we'll read Little House on the Prairie.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Do you have any suggestions for preserving a child's innocence in an internet/iPhone/reality tv world? I could use some ideas.

I Dream of Organic Groceries

Welcome to this edition of "How to Know if You're an Adult." Today, I thought we could chat about telltale signs of adulthood as evidenced by daydream material.

OK, so we're not going to be that formal about this. Really, I just want to talk about how I'm presently daydreaming about Whole Foods (i.e. a grocery store; an establishment that sells food; a land of fresh, non-pesticide laced produce and very, very, very expensive nuts). I'm also daydreaming about re-organizing my pantry.

That's right. I'm not daydreaming about exotic beach vacations or budget-free shopping trips to NYC or whatever else might be more acceptably interesting to daydream about. No, I spend my tiny little amount of free time daydreaming about where I wish I could buy my groceries AND how I could organize them in a more aesthetically pleasing manner once I bring them home.

My two year old lays in his crib and stares up at the ceiling daydreaming (probably) about being a mini-pirate or a Thomas the Train conductor or living it up in a bounce house or maybe finally being free to roam the neighborhood unhindered by his ever-vigilant parents who always seem to be saying, "No" and "Don't eat that."

I used to find myself lost in teenage daydreams about whether I would marry Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly (today's Edward Cullen or Peeta Mallark), or traveling to Italy where Nutella is a breakfast food, or writing a young adult book series that would land me a brilliant interview with Matt Lauer, where he later invites me to spend the weekend with his family in the Hamptons.

Now, I dream of places that sell free-range chicken and organic produce and handmade cheese. What has happened to me?

Adulthood, that's what. It's also why I love the hardware store and having my car washed and watching BBC dramas. The cheap thrills just keep getting more mundane.

I also really love Cracker Barrel, eating dinner at 5:30, wearing fuzzy houseshoes and, just recently, crocheting. Help me.

Thirty-four is just around the corner and I'm currently considering celebrating in the chemical-free cleaning products aisle at Whole Foods.

Mid-thirties, here I come.

Abe Was Honest

"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln.

Really, who knows if Abe really said this or not. I've also read that he said this: "The problem with quotes on the internet is that it's very hard to verify their authenticity." Indeed.

AND, while you're questioning whether or not that's actually something he would've said if he could've said it, consider that Abe may actually still be alive according to Seth Grahame-Smith's recent book, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," which inexplicably intrigues me and simultaneously makes me nervous. (Sidenote: I realize that I left that book title un-italicized which honestly makes me sad in the grammar corner of my heart. BUT, if anyone can tell me why Blogger won't let me italicize when I press ctrl/I, I would be eternally grateful. End of sidenote).

Let's get back to Honest Abe's comment on being a good whatever because that's what we're really here to talk about. Sort of.

Last night Matt and I went to dinner at the Canyon Grill, a happy little restaurant at the end of this long ridge that we live on, which we also call a mountain. Dinner dates are rather few and far between in this little life of ours and so it always feels like a big deal when we get to go out together and I don't have to cook. For those of you who don't know (at least those of you who are of the male persuasion), a date is defined by most women in this way: no cooking, no dishes, high heels.

Anyhoo, on our date I found myself waxing "eloquent" (quotation marks here mean that I was actually not eloquent at all) on why I want to have another baby. Poor, long-suffering, charming Matt listened patiently. This is what he hears from me ad nauseam these days. I find myself going off on small rants about Snooki and the middle Kardashian and everybody else in Hollywood who are in the family way whilst poor little ole me is decidedly not. Again, poor Matt.

And so, back to Abe's quote about being good at being whatever. I explained to Matt that in this current season of life I feel like I only have the time/energy/capacity to be good at one thing and right now, that one thing is being a mom. It's what I do and most of who I am a lot of the time. And so, I explained to him, this is why I need another baby (obviously, or maybe not so obviously). I'm GOOD at this mothering thing. Let's all pause for a moment to be in shock over the fact that I just typed that "out loud."

Last week, I could have written you three blog posts and a short novel on how I was, in fact, not a good mother. However, a mere week later I'm feeling a bit more confident. It may have a teensy bit to do with a shifting of the perspective, thanks to a book I just read (i.e. "Bringing up Bebe" - please imagine italics here). You can read it and decide for yourself what you think of its implied admonition to American mothers to stop calling themselves "bad mothers" for not centering their whole universe around a small, 2.5 foot person. But, I digress.

I love Sam with my whole heart and I've committed myself to doing my darndest to give him a good, wholesome childhood that prepares him for whatever comes after. And, so, I find myself thinking, "I need another one of these little people to love on and then send off into the world to love on others."

Well, anyway, this was something of the argument I made to Matt over dinner, which in fact was a test-run for the argument I've been making to God when I try to convince Him to give us another little person. Lame, I know. Obviously, God doesn't need me to prepare a power-point presentation in order to win Him over to my side.

So, to sum up, I'm currently a mom. And, I think I'm a good one (most of the time). And, apparently, I also think this means God should give me another little person to raise. In closing, I probably need a therapist.

Back to Abe. I'm not totally sure where he fits into all this. Basically, I read that alleged "quote" of his about being a good whatever and it made me wonder what it is that I am that I should be good at. Thus, this rambling post.

OK, obviously, I don't have a point, so I'll just leave you with another list.

Things That Are Currently My Favorite:

Afternoon snack: Ghiradelli chocolate chips, dried cherries and walnuts - My friend Amanda's mom's stroke of genius.

Summer reading: "Under the Tuscan Sun" (again, imagine the italics)-So much better than the movie.

This tumblr: http://greeneyeddarlin.tumblr.com/

This blog: thenatos.blogspot.com

This website: Serena and Lily

This song: Katie Hertzig's "Lost and Found"

See you soon.

A Little Bit of Good in Good-Bye

It's a blah Tuesday and I'm eating a PB&J whilst doing the laundry and deciding that the time has come to blog. The Samster is at his school for little people doing little people things, which I'm imagining includes snack time, nap time, play time and occasional episodes of mini-WWF with other little people. I'm sure it's a real good time over there.

Meanwhile, we just got back from a trip to my parents' in the Deep South where we met up with my dear friend Abigail and her sweet little fam, which now includes a teensy babe that Matt and I secretly wanted to steal (We kept this minor leaning toward baby abduction to ourselves, but I think they could tell).

Mostly, we spent the weekend wrangling people under three, but somehow we also managed to squeeze in actual conversations here and there, which was nice. Conversations are sort of like an extinct species of dinosaur in the land of parenthood (pardon the mixed metaphor). If you have small people in your charge, you understand this. Luckily, we had the Grandparents Extraordinaire to swoop in throughout the weekend and free us up for occasional chatting. And, we also had selfless husbands who kindly read books about Winnie the Pooh and watched Sesame Street with the young'uns so that Abigail and I could discuss whatever our little hearts desired (Downton Abbey, tea, trips to England, books, cardigans, etcetera, etcetera.)

But, while all this fun was happening, there was an undeniable, underlying current of sad, which I successfully kept at bay for most of the weekend. The very, very short summary for this bit of sad is that Abigail and her little family are moving to the other side of the world later this year and this weekend was essentially a bittersweet two-day goodbye.

And, so, I'm sad about this. I'm trying to see the positives here, people, but Skype and Facebook don't always cut it. Despite my slight preoccupation with social media, it doesn't even come close to being a worthy substitute to a real, live, face to face chat over tea with a friend like Abigail.

I held out until the end, but my mascara was destined to run there at the last as we hugged them out of the driveway.

For the record, I'm for missions. And I'm for people hearing about Jesus. Especially the ones who haven't ever heard about Him before. But, man, it's hard to watch a friend go knowing that three years will pass before we get to see each other again. OK, I realize that sounded really, really, REALLY selfish of me. This is shaping up to be one of those posts that might include over-sharing/confessions that I might regret later.

Abigail's husband is smart. He's also a smidge crazy. But, one thing he said as Abigail and I were tearfully goodbye-ing was this: "Christ is worth it." Even now, my eyes smart as I think about that. I know that this is true. I know it is. But, I needed to be reminded.

It's a hard thing, saying goodbye. I don't like it at all. But, in the midst of it, I can't help but be made that much more aware of how dear my friend is to me. And at the same time, I'm reminded that perhaps Jesus isn't as dear to me as He should be. This also makes me sad.

Goodbyes are clarifying, I think. They help us say what we always meant to say but never got around to. And they help us see people in the light that we should have been seeing them in all along. And maybe goodbyes can help us remember that this life is not all there is and that one day we get to stop saying these stinking goodbyes.

Here's to friendship and to people hearing about Jesus.

And here's to having the chance to send fun care packages to places where they've never seen episodes of Gilmore Girls or been obsessed with Target.



Note: No, despite what you may be wondering after viewing this picture, I am not going through a goth/librarian phase. I was just having a bad hair day and ran out of clean clothes that weren't black. And, yes, we are standing very, very close to one another.