Awkward Dating: A Look Back

As I may have mentioned in earlier posts, being a stay-at-home mom includes the perk of having too much time to think (note: this is not real time that might enable one to go to the mall or read a book, rather it's the space in my head that's not being used during the Thomas the Train episodes I find myself watching with Sam and all the dishwashing I do while staring down at the drain).

A lot of this "free" time is spent pondering what to make for dinner. Some of it gets used up wondering where Sam has hidden the remote control. A very little of it is spent considering world peace. And the rest of it is spent daydreaming.

This post is the result of some mild reminiscing of my life before Matt, when date nights were rare (which is not so different than now, but I'm not blaming anyone) and frequently awkward. I thought I'd type up a quick synopsis of some of the more unusual of these evenings. I included the first date spent with my last first date (also known as Matt) as well as the one that concluded my dating life (also known as a proposal).

For your amusement, here are a list of my more noteworthy dates:

There was...

-The one that included an additional girl (who apologized to me in the ladies' room for being on my date).

-The one that included dinner, a drive back to my house, and my being dumped in my driveway.

-The one that very nearly included me being literally eaten by an alligator. (I cried a little on this one.)

-The one that included dinner and an animated movie in the theater (I thought I'd finished out my animated movie phase with "The Little Mermaid" in 1992).

-The one that found me sitting in the dark at an empty park watching a car full of possibly illegal immigrants surround me as I waited for my date to pick me up (this probably needs more explanation than I'm giving here).

-The one that included dinner and then an awkward family movie viewing.

-The one that included my date realizing he'd forgotten his wallet after ordering dinner and a rather pricey selection of beverages (for himself).

-The one that included my reading a list of expectations for the impending relationship which really should have ended with my being dumped right then and there. That came later.

-The blind date that included a swanky dessert and then a honky tonk bar until 2 am.

-The one that included Steve Earle.

-The half-date (as so described by my half-date) that included paparazzi.

-The one that was cut short so that my date could attend a party afterwards. Without me.

-Another blind date that included my (12 years my senior) date showing up in blinding-ly white tennis shoes.

-The one that included a "Potential Wife" interview.

-The one that included my date discovering that he had graduated from high school the year I got out of college. (This information seemed to throw him off his game considerably.)

-The one with the handsome computer enthusiast whom I may or may not have accidentally met on Myspace (feel free to judge).

-The one when my date was awkwardly vulnerable while I told jokes.

-The one with the actual genius who had lived in a commune of geniuses in
California. What?

-The one that included a European castle, an engagement ring, and reindeer for dinner.

Disclaimer: This post was written under the assumption that anyone I have ever dated doesn't read my blog. So, if you found yourself on this list, it probably wasn't you I was talking about.

How To Know if You Have an 18-Month Old: A Checklist of Sorts

1. Thomas the Train's theme song is the soundtrack of your dreams and occasionally your nightmares. ("They're two, they're four, they're six, they're eight/shunting trucks and pulling freight..."). Does anyone even know what "shunting" means?

2. You frequently find old boogers on your sofa cushions (wiped there by someone attempting to climb up face-first.)

3. You have phone conversations punctuated by shouts of "no, No, NO!" throughout (usually regarding someone attempting to "use" your computer by banging a plastic truck on the keyboard).

4. You wonder if you will ever again be able to take a shower/change clothes/use the restroom without being observed by someone with a toy duck in one hand and a handful of cheerios in the other.

5. You think of a visit to the grocery store without your child as "getting out" and "time to yourself."

6. Your belief that you could never spank your sweet baby went out the window after the third incidence of a sippy cup full of grape juice pressed upside down into the carpet.

7. Pages of the magazine you just received in the mail have partial pages missing (which you discover later were actually eaten by your child/farm animal).

8. Things go missing with no explanation until you find them in your sock drawer along with an old piece of cheese.

9. You find a bottle of vitamins, a plastic Easter egg, and half a cookie stuffed in the side compartment of your vacuum cleaner, which explains why it hasn't been running as efficiently as it used to.

10. You discover that after a whole day of having your house ransacked, your energy depleted, and your patience worn thin as a Hollywood actress, that an end of the day, squeeze-the-air-out-of you, chokehold hug from your little guy makes up for it all.