Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Mom Laws: These Are Why Chocolate Chips Were Created.

After a few years of parenting, here are some truths that I have found to be the mom's version of Murphy's Law. These also answer the question of why God made chocolate:

~If you choose not to take a shower for two days, you will most surely be called into your child's school for some reason and be seen wearing stretched-out yoga pants and yesterday's make-up by other moms who have recently showered and are wearing cute skinny jean/tall boot combinations.

~If your preschool-aged child takes a short slumber upon an afternoon, you will find yourself watching Curious George at 11 p.m. with said child who is still more awake than you have been in the last five years.

~If your tiny babe gets moderately warm in the car and falls into a deep sleep upon which she cannot be awakened when the car has stopped in the garage, you will carry her into the house on tiptoes and lightly lay her down in her warm little crib only to have her eyelids pop open the moment she touches the sheet. Every. Single. Time.

~The cinnamon oatmeal you lovingly made for your eldest child upon a Tuesday morn will be eaten with joy and gratitude while watching Wild Kratts for a happy half hour. But, upon your Wednesday morning when you lay before that child the same repast,  the oatmeal will most assuredly be met with disdain and suspicion. For. No. Apparent. Reason.

~The moment you find yourself indulging in a tiny piece of Halloween candy whilst hiding behind the pantry door, you can be assured that your offspring will suddenly appear and demand to know what devilry is taking place. You and candy are never safe together. Ever.

~Every phone call you will ever make during the duration of your child's preschool years will be met with cries for "Juice!"and "Watch Curious George with me!" Also, small people will be drawn to you like magnets and wrap their arms around your legs and most likely there will be a river of tears over someone having taking the toy someone else thought about possibly playing with later this afternoon. Lesson: Phone calls are out of the question.

~Anything other than yoga pants being put on in the morning qualifies you for being a human kleenex. And also having people wipe peanut butter on you. And maybe also having small people managing to over-fill their diaper the moment you set them on your lap. It's just science, people.

~It's essentially your destiny to be called upon for some life-saving rescue situation the second your skin touches the cold porcelain of the toilet seat. Accept this and choose to dehydrate yourself and also remove all fiber from your diet. From now on, bathroom breaks are for hours in which your children are not awake.

~Despite your culinary efforts in the kitchen for the past two hours while also breaking up occasional, Lego-related arguments and having two small people underfoot tossing Tupperware back and forth, the meal you offer your family at dinner will be met with cries for "Peanut Butter Sandwich!!" and "I can't eat that green thing on my plate!" And you will declare to yourself that in your next life there will be enough money for a cook. And also a masseuse.

~After a long week of early morning school drop-offs and late night diaper changes, Saturday morning will arrive with the delirious hope of a possible chance of sleeping past 7:30 a.m. Go ahead and let that dream die now. You will absolutely be awake by 6:00 a.m. at the latest.

This mission of mothering, if you choose to accept it, will require every ounce of emotional, mental and physical energy you have ever thought about having and maybe a teensy bit more. A handful of chocolate chips before starting each day may or may not help you make it through. Most likely the latter, but I would choose to eat them anyway.

May the yoga pants be with you. 


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