A recent conversation in the Rieger household before heading to a 4th of July cookout:
Me: I think this skirt is a little tighter than usual. Maybe I dried it too long. What do you think? (turning around to give husband a better view from which to give an "honest" opinion, while not actually wanting an honest opinion.)
Matt: (no comment)
Me: I think that maybe I've gained a few pounds in the last few weeks. Probably those enchiladas I made and then those chocolate chip cookies. And we've been traveling the last few weekends, eating out and stuff. (pause) Do you think I've gained a little?
Matt: (no comment, continues doing whatever it was he was doing without making eye contact)
Me: So, what do you think? I need a second opinion. Have I gained a few pounds?
Matt: I think I hear Sam waking up from his nap. I should go get him.
Me: Oh. Yeah. But, wait, I need to know if you think my skirt's too tight. And if you think I've gained a few pounds.
Matt: (heading upstairs) I'm going to go get Sam.
Me: Wait, does this mean you think I have gained a few pounds? Do you think I look fat?
Matt: (about to disappear upstairs) I can't hear you.
Me: So, what you're saying is that I HAVE gained a few pounds and I DO look fat in this skirt? Why didn't you tell me that I was gaining weight?!?
Matt: (laughing as he disappears upstairs, also shaking his head). Are you kidding me?
Me: (realizing that was probably a bit of an unrealistic expectation) Well, who else is going to tell me? I just needed to know.
Matt: (no longer within hearing distance)
Me: (changing skirts) What about this one? Does this one make me look fat?
Matt: (locking himself in the upstairs bathroom in self-defense)
Next week's edition of Breaking News: Husband Critiques Wife's Meatloaf and Lives to Tell About It.