Dear Anyone Who Has Had A Phone Conversation With Me In the Past Seven Days,
Can I just send out a general apology for all the weirdness and distractedness and inability to complete a sentence or respond to you in a way that a normal person would when we last spoke? It's been one of those weeks that included a few calls (and one visit) to the pediatrician, visits to the pharmacy, missing out on Mother's Day Out gloriousness and a general haziness about everything else.
So, those of you who were unfortunate enough to have had a convo on the phone with me at some point, here's what was most likely happening while you and I were having said conversation:
Possibility Numero Uno: I answered your phone call with the only free finger I had as all others were being used to extricate large sections of my hair from Sam's yogurt-y fingers. Thus, the awkward hello you received had nothing to do with a lack of enthusiasm to hear from you. It was instead related to the fact that I was sort of regretting answering the phone during a semi-wrestling match with a small person who had somehow managed to be wearing the yogurt I'd just given him instead of eating it.
Possibility Numero Dos: During our conversation, I may have sounded distracted because same said small person was attempting to climb up my person in order to let me know that he was in the mood for "JUICE! JUICE! JUICE! PWEASE JUICE!" Apparently, juice was necessary in order for him to live.
Possibility Numero Tres: No, that was not me yelling "Baby Train!" or "Choo Choo, Mama!" or "Cracker!" into the phone while you were telling me about your current life situation. I promise I do not have Tourettes. I do happen to have a vociferous two-year old.
Possibility Numero Quatro: Were you wondering why I sounded a teensy bit annoyed when you told me that your grandma had sent you a handknit sweater in the mail for your birthday? I wasn't just being jealous, although I wish Meemaw had sent me one too. No, instead, it was actually because someone with nostril-sized fingers had just inserted one into my nose and then laughed about it like a crazy miniature hyena.
Possibility Numero Cinco: I didn't mean to get off the phone with you so quickly or let's be honest, so awkwardly, but, the truth is that if I hadn't, my whole house was on its way to being ransacked to the point of no return and my ability to have a conversation in the wake of a maelstorm of toddler proportions had just made its exit. Along with my sanity.
So, there you have it. If you didn't have a phone conversation with me this week, see above reasons for why that probably didn't happen.
I miss all you people out there who I used to talk to with regularity. One day, my friends, when the little one has learned that toilets are not receptacles for toys and tv remotes should not be used as hammers, I'll return to the world of "keeping in touch."
Until then, you can find me here. With yogurt in my hair and small fingers up my nose.