I'm not sure why I'm even trying to blog right now, because I have a serious case of pregnancy brain and there is no telling what will come out of my mouth. Pregnancy brain is a real thing, for the record. If you're still a doubter, come visit me and let's try to have a conversation. I'll convince you after I've stopped in the middle of a sentence because I've forgotten what I was talking about at least four times during our convo. It'll be awesome. And the best part? I won't even remember you came by or what we talked about within the hour.
But, here I am, while the boy is having "nap" time (another name for "do something quietly in your room while Mama tries to retain her sanity" time), trying to put a little something down about what's going on around here lately.
For starters, the sun came out today and as soon as I noticed this welcome phenomenon (in the midst of a rain-soaked summer), I opened all the blinds to let every little bit in. (Seeing the sun is a little like having an Elvis sighting these days and I'm pretty sure the summer of 2013 will go down in the history books as the Summer of Zoloft.) I was reminded of how different one feels when the morning sky is blue and not full of heavy, gray clouds, threatening to rain on one's parade or ruin a potentially good hair day.
Feeling all sunshine-y, I walked Sam into school today and watched him hang up his robot backpack and tuck his folder and his lunchbag in his cubby. He didn't look back to see if I was still at the door and even though I almost wished he would, I'm glad that the prospect of friends and building blocks had his attention instead. It made it easier to walk back to my car without him.
And so began my last morning to myself before everything changes.
It's literally the very last day of these quite mornings alone because Sam won't be back in school until next week and the husband will be starting his "paternity" leave (also known as using up vacation days). And then next week...we have a baby. I just typed that and now I have to pause for a moment to marvel at that crazy reality.
Everything changes in a few days and the fulfillment of some deep hopes will come true, hopefully uneventfully. (I'm still shaking in my flip flops a teensy bit with this scheduled delivery thing.) And, I'm thinking that all this means I'm about to change a bit as well. Next week includes going from a mama of one to a mama of two. AND, I get to be one of two girls in my house, rather than the lone collector of purses and shoes.
I'm wondering how all this is going to feel. It's a strange thing to ponder the addition of another person into one's family. Especially one that's almost a total mystery to you at the current moment, other than having a serious penchant for the hiccups.
Somewhat selfishly, I'm hoping that she will love some of the things that I love. That she'll want to read books that I read when I was a girl. That she'll want to go on walks with me in the fall and feel giddy at the smell of a bonfire or the thought of a pumpkin farm with a hayride (or feel the need to drink a load of pumpkin spice lattes the minute Starbucks starts making them in September). I hope she'll want to wander through old bookstores and watch Gilmore Girl reruns and bake cookies with me on rainy days. I hope that one day, she and I will be friends. Like my mom and I are.
But, at this moment, all of that is a bit of a dream and the reality is that what's familiar right now has an expiration date. This little family of three that we've got going on has had a good run. And now after 3.5 years, everything is about to change. I wonder if we know what we're getting into. I'm pretty sure that we don't.
The nursery is ready. The hospital bag almost packed. The out of town family members are planning their visits. The baby presents have all been washed and folded and put away.
And, here I am, wondering what my little family is going to look and feel like after next week. Everything changes and I know that in this case, that's a really good thing. It just feels a little unnerving at the moment.